Joke Thread [parental discretion advised]

[firstadopter]

Post all your favorite jokes!

A man sits in an airport private longue when he notices Bill Gates across the way. He gathers the nerve to talk to him and wishes to ask him a question. He introduces himself as John and tells Gates that he is expecting to meet a beautiful woman soon. He asks if he could briefly please come over and say "Hi" to him when the woman arrives, thus impressing her that he would know someone like Gates personally. He agrees to the request and minutes later the woman arrives. After a moment, Gates walkes over to the couple and says "Hi John, how are you?". John's response quickly conveys to the woman his elite status among men. "F*!@ off Gates! I'm Busy..."

[firstadopter]

Why are there two Yogi Bears?




Cuz someone made a Boo-boo.

[firstadopter]

Fun Word Definitions

ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonalds
AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tried to do
BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage
BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with
CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate
COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living
EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist
HEROES: What a guy in a boat does
LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money
MISTY: How golfers create divots
PARADOX: Two physicians
PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower
PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm
POLARIZE: What penguins see with
PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV
RELIEF: What trees do in the spring
RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife
SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does
SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official

[TheAngryIntern]

Farmer Jake had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing.

One day when he was out in the field, Jake's wife brought his lunch to him. Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Jake's old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly.

At the wake, Jake's minister noticed that when the women offered their sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.

When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Jake and asked, "Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?"

Well," Jake replied, "The women all said how nice she looked, and her
dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down.

" The men all asked, "Is that mule for sale!?

[firstadopter]

haha

[firstadopter]

the story about the 2 hikers that get chased by a bear. One yelled at the other one and said, "You can't outrun that bear". The other said, "I don't need to outrun the bear, I just need to outrun you"

[CAG]

1. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy... I'd have had nothing to play with.

2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home.

3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

4. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that ?" He said "Because you came home early."

5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning. I put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

6. I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

7. I could tell my parents hated me, My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

8. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

9. I'm so ugly...My father carried around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through anyway."

11. I'm so ugly ..... My mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born.

12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them ?" He said,"I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."

14. My wife made me join a bridge club, I jump off next Tuesday.

15. I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up: What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air ?" He told me to run off a cliff.

19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.

20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy for birth control.

21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

22. I'm so ugly, when I was born the doctor slapped my mother !!

[TheAngryIntern]

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they
learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for
giving someone a valentine?

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get
mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says. . . . .

"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock. . .?

"Well", she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could
have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that
maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And
if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love
everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell
everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride
"Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the
Marines could blow the s**t out of him."

[CAG]

Excellent!!!

[firstadopter]

One of the best clips ever.

http://www.fullofjokes.com/articles/badsinging.html